Wednesday, 10 January 2018

Mind Dump - My Depression

More recently, my depression seems to have engulfed my life. I don't want to get out of bed on a morning. I don't want to brush my hair. I don't want to clean the house. I don't want to eat. I do, but I have to force myself to do all of these things. 

I am really struggling to get through the day with three young kids in tow. More so now that school has started again. I feel like I don't have anyone to ask, anyone to help. The people who try to help aren't always there and this makes things feel ten times worse. It makes me want to just sit and cry. 

I get asked by those close to me "how are you doing?" but I can't really give them an answer. I don't want to lie and say that I'm feeling fine. I know I am anything but feeling fine. 

If I answer saying that I'm not feeling too great, the problem I come across then is "why, whats wrong?" but I honestly can not answer that question. I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't know why I am feeling particularly shit today. I have no idea what is making me feel like I do not want to move. I have three gorgeous, healthy girls, I have a job, I have hobbies, I have friends (albeit not many)... I don't know why I feel like I do.

I have been to the doctors. I am on three different types of antidepressant/ anti anxiety. All of which, together, make me feel slightly better as I don't feel like I'm sinking further into depression, however none of them make me feel as though I am floating and getting better. I feel like I am in limbo. I'm here for a reason, but to get better, I need to figure out that reason. 

I want to feel normal again. I want to shift this weight off my shoulder, stop being such a downer, be the happy person which I used to be. 

I will lose weight, I will put the effort in to be myself, I will get through this!

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